Who listens to me?

One of the hardest things to find in this world is someone who is ready and willing to listen to an introvert.

You see, the people around me always live such busy and active lives that they rarely have time to sit down, do nothing, and just listen for several hours at a time. Every day – every year – I find myself becoming less and less willing to share with other people about my life, simply because they don’t have the patience to listen for several hours while I try to find the words that express my doubts, my fears, my thoughts and feelings. Extroverts have it easy. They can say whatever comes to their mind immediately, and connect quickly and simply. Introverts have a harder time of it – especially Idealist introverts. It takes time for me to open up. And not just time, but demonstrated care and concern as well. I can only truly open up to someone if I know that they care enough to spend time waiting for me to voice out to them, and put away all other distractions and concerns to focus solely on listening to me. And that can take hours.

It’s something I’ve only very rarely experienced with my parents – maybe once or twice in the last 8 years. I remember it happening more often when I was younger. My Dad and I would talk in the car while travelling back from my college, or when picking someone up. My Mom and I would talk over the dining table after dinner, or during teatime. And the time I failed at university – that was when they were willing to sit with me to listen to me, and let me take my time to verbalise all that I felt, all that I thought. Those were the memories I treasured most about my parents… though it took a string of “F”-grades to bring them about sometimes.

Maybe that’s why I became such a good listener. Because at heart, I knew that everyone wanted someone to listen to them. Someone to show care and concern, someone who was willing to sacrifice hours of time they could have used to spend Doing Things, and just listen instead. My primary criterion for a soul-sister – the first indicator that lets me tell whether I’ve found a kindred spirit or not – is this ability to Just Listen. That’s why I love spending time with my soul sisters, and we often have multi-hour-long conversations every time we meet. Because we both Just Listen to each other – for as long as it takes. And sometimes, it takes a long time to get down to the root of our fears – to peel away the layers that we are used to showing in casual, shallow conversations and go deep to the bottom of our hearts. To have heart-to-heart, soul-to-soul talks.

People go around with layers on their hearts. There’s a shallow layer you show to acquaintances at work or on the street or at church – the standard “I’m doing fine” reply to the perfunctory “How are you?” question that everyone asks in order to be polite. Sometimes, with people whom you meet regularly and have deeper connections with, like cell members or close colleagues, you can drop hints about your current situation – “I’m angry about this”, or “Today I got a bonus!” And those can be taken at face value… maybe it’ll lead to a stream of small talk and decent mid-level sharing. And you go away, with your feelings slightly eased, vaguely okay. And most people seem comfortable with that. If you practise it daily, then I guess you could get by with regular doses of middle-level conversations every day, and never miss what you don’t know exists… that soul-deep, bottom-of-your-heart kind of conversation you can only get when someone Listens to you for several hours.

But if you’re an introvert surrounded by busy people, nobody Listens to you. And so the urge to speak builds and builds, but there’s no friendly outlet. So you’re constantly vaguely dissatisfied… lonely and trying to share with the people around, but no one really bothers to Listen.

My parents and most of my friends wonder sometimes how I can get so jazzed up after one good conversation. They don’t believe or don’t understand how just one conversation with my soul sisters – with someone who Listens – can keep me on a euphoric high for several days on end. They sometimes think I’m overexaggerating. I’m not sure if they understand the concept of soul nourishment – a deep conversation with someone who Listens is like a drink of water in a desert, or fresh bread to a man starving for months. Maybe it’s because they haven’t had these kinds of conversations before. Maybe they don’t need them like I do. Maybe their personalities are different, or they imagine that the mid-level conversations they have with their friends is the closest things will ever get. Maybe they’re just too busy, wanting to Do Things, and can’t see the value of “wasting time” doing nothing but sitting and talking. I don’t know.

All I know is, nobody Listens to me.

Every week, as a cell leader, as a friend, as a son, I get called upon to Listen to somebody. I spend hours on the phone and over meals, listening to people. I keep taking in more and more things from other people’s lives – their hurts, their insecurities, their problems, their hopes and dreams. I Listen, and make them feel good to unburden themselves. I Listen, and they feel cared for, comforted to know that someone understands what they’re going through – someone’s willing to pay attention to them and soothe the hurts in their soul. My family, my friends, my cell members… even my co-workers – they all need someone to Listen, and I do that for them.

But who does it for me?

That’s why I have this blog, really. I write in it all the thoughts and feelings I have… all the things I want to say but never can say because nobody listens. They have to come out somehow. So I write on a website that nobody reads… kinda pathetic, but there’s always the off-chance that someone who values me might read it. Even if they don’t, at least I’ve voiced it out. The pressure’s slightly eased. But it’ll never go away until somebody listens.

And frankly, I don’t see that happening anytime soon. No one in my family has been willing to spend hours to Listen to me for the last few years, all too busy with their own lives. Of my three soul sisters, one has a constant irregular schedule as a flight attendant, and the other two are studying overseas at separate colleges, and I don’t even attend the same church as them anymore. And of my two oldest friends, whom although they aren’t soul sisters have learned how to get me to share openly after 10 years of friendship… one is halfway around the world, and the other is preparing for marriage. And my oldest friend here in Singapore is already married. And the only other person here whom I think has the potential to grow into another kindred soul is so busy with so many problems that I think I need to spend more time Listening to her than talking to her.

So. Nobody Listens to me, and it looks like nobody will ever really listen to me. I wonder if that’s the reason why I fall so easily into addictive or self-destructive habits sometimes?