What will 2012 bring?

I accepted Christ was I was 13-14, in my secondary school Christian Fellowship. We had a youth pastor who visited us every week from Calvary Church KL, and he would speak at our meetings. One of those meetings, he gave an altar call, and I accepted Christ then as my Lord and Saviour. The next year, the seniors who were leading our CF graduated, and I and a few other of the younger ones were left to form the  nucleus of the next generation of CF leaders. So I became a leader of the CF. There was a committee of about 4-5 of us, and we had a very good teacher advisor – Ms. Yap, who helped us organise meetings. I was a CF leader, but I didn’t really know much about what a life in Christ entailed. The CF was just an event – a weekly activity that we would organise. It became more of a social gathering than anything else. We ended up playing games most of the time.

Then when I got to college, out of sheer inertia, I sought out and joined my college CF. If I was a Christian, then I thought I should join and hang out with other Christians in college. That was my thinking at that time. Christianity was a social group identifier for me. So I joined the Taylor’s College CF, which was also known as the Mid-Week Service, and we were partnered and hosted by the Asian Youth Ambassadors, a Christian youth organization founded and led by Pastors Kenneth and Sandra Chin (they’ve now birthed a 700-member church out of the seeds they sowed during that college ministry).  After about a year, I was approached to be a leader of the CF… to be part of the committee. Eventually I became Secretary. While I did grow a lot in my own Christian walk during that time, my service in the CF wasn’t really about my service to God. It was just something I had to do. A list of tasks to do in order to keep an organization running… and I was comfortable with the organization, and I didn’t want to see it stop, and somebody had to do it… so I helped do it. That was my attitude. I didn’t want to see the CF stop, because that’s where all my friends were, so I took on the burden of helping to organize meetings, to keep things going. In the process, I learned the procedures of how to run a morning prayer meeting, the order of a typical service / cell meeting, and all the nitty-gritty that goes behind the scenes of running regular youth meetings.

But still, what I was interested in was running the meetings. People were only incidental to me. I had friends, of course, but they took a back seat compared to the desire in me that “the show must go on”. The program was important. If you stick to the program, and people got blessed by it… well, good for them. The program has fulfilled its’ purpose. If people didn’t get blessed, then it’s okay. Just keep trying with the program, and things will work out eventually. At that time, I also had a very vague conception of what “being blessed” meant.

As I look back now, I wonder if I really touched anyone’s life at all while I was in college. I think I impacted only one or two people significantly… my friend and classmate Chuan Shern, who I invited to a camp where he got saved and whom I helped to serve as an example and give advice on the Christian perspective on things sometimes after that, and my junior Vivien, who had just recently accepted Christ, but didn’t know how to do quiet time. I explained what that involved – “a mini-church service by yourself” – and lent her the bible study book that I had found very useful in my own formative Christian growth. She thanked me for it later, and told me that my explanation and the book had really helped her grow. But other than that, I don’t think I really made much of a difference in people’s lives. In fact, I’m pretty sure I made a few horrible or embarrassing mistakes along the way. (I can still remember my first time as an MC for the service. Ouch.)

This carried on into university. Being the good Christian boy that I was, I visited all three Christian organizations on campus, and half a dozen churches before settling down in Community of Praise Baptist Church and Varsity Christian Fellowship. I joined the dedicated Bible study group on Mondays (Swordfighters), as well as three cells – on Wednesday (Science CF), Thursday (PGP hostel CF) and Friday nights (DNA church cell) respectively. Tuesday was the CF-wide Sunset Prayer meeting. After about a year of that, I had burned out. I left the church, got into video game addiction, and only joined PGP CF (the VCF branch that had meetings in my student hostel) once a week. Because of my background, I was asked to help co-lead Bible studies and cell meetings for PGP CF in my second year of university, and I did so… again, it was more of a “keep things running” mentality. I tried to organize daily devotions and prayer meetings, because I thought that’s what a CF leader should do. But my heart wasn’t really in it, and the efforts died out eventually. Thank God, I wasn’t the PGP CF chair… each year I was serving, I found someone else who could be the chairperson representing our branch to VCF. I was always the number two. Maybe God was gracious, because frankly… I don’t think I would have made a really good cell leader at that time.

However, what PGP CF taught me was the close-ness and the bond that can grow up between people who meet up regularly every week. Even until today, several years from when we’ve all graduated, we still try to gather at least once a year to catch up. And I learned how to prepare and lead small group Bible studies and worship during my 3 years at PGP CF. And I polished my eloquence in praying out loud for other people too.

So there I was. I had all of this experience. I had all the skills to effectively lead a small group, honed through years and years of Christian meetings… nearly 8 years in leadership of various Christian organizations and cells. I could run a cell group meeting all by myself from start to finish without any problems… and I often still do so. Frankly, looking back at it now… I honestly wonder whether I made any difference at all to the people I’ve met and the lives that I had the privilege to care for. I believe the last 1-2 years have made me grow more than anything else in terms of my understanding of people and God’s heart for them.

When I accepted a leadership role in Branches – the young adults cell I’m leading now in church – I had a lot of reservations. I had already learned from experience that if God didn’t call you to a ministry, don’t bother stepping in. It’s a waste of time, because it won’t grow. During my years as a leader in all of the other ministries, they didn’t grow. I didn’t want to repeat the same experience here. I spent three months in prayer (off-and-on) about it, and needed a lot of encouragement from Sylvia (the previous Branches cell leader), plus the prospect of co-leadership with Huiting before I agreed. And even then, it was partially a responsibility angle again – Huiting didn’t want to lead by herself, and if she wouldn’t, then Branches would have no leader. So I filled in the other half necessary for Huiting to lead. I ran the meetings, and she took care of the members.

However, it was only after Huiting got married and left me with the sole responsibility of leading Branches that I really started to grow as a cell leader, I think. Many things have changed since I first took up leadership. In fact, of the original Branches group from Sylvia’s time, only Natasha, myself, Li Ping and Darren remain. All the rest has changed. I’m really grateful and thankful for God’s grace upon our cell, and for each of our new members. And somehow, this last year has been a year of great growth for me, I think. With no one else to share responsibility with, I now had to be the one to start caring for the members spiritually. I had to listen to them, pray with them, share my life stories with them and disciple them and help them grow in each of their personal, individual walks with God.

And I have never been more blessed.

This is what cell leadership is all about. It’s not about how to run meetings, or lead Bible studies. It’s about the day-to-day, spiritual watchfulness and care over the people whose growth God has asked you to be a part of. It’s about discipling them, watching them grow into spiritual maturity. It’s about listening to their problems, and helping them find answers and solace in His words, as well as in practical matters. In a weird way, I thank God for each and every problem that my cell members bring to me, because it gives me an opportunity to grow in love for them, and to learn the limits of my own abilities and why I need to depend on God. This is real. This is meaningful. This work touches and changes people’s lives. It’s not about running meetings, or planning programs. It’s about changing lives. About finding ways to help people grow.

There’s still a lot I have left to learn. But this past one year has taught me so much. And by the grace of God, I will continue to grow to accommodate more of his love shining through my life.

I completely and thoroughly approve of this couple, and I’m very happy for both of them. During the wedding ceremony, something went “click” inside of me, and I felt myself saying internally, “Ah, this is just RIGHT. They are meant for each other.” It’s a very special and rare feeling that I’ve only experienced at one other wedding (Bee’s one), and so I’m sure that this marriage will be special.

The wedding ceremony itself I had mixed feelings about. On the one hand, it was impressive and unique – Jason sang her down the aisle during the wedding ceremony, and they had written their own wedding vows, tacking on about four or five paragraphs to the traditional script – but on the other hand, it was almost TOO showy, and I didn’t know many people there. Still. I managed to have a good time, and despite the showiness of the atmosphere, the speeches that were made were all warm and down-to-earth homey. Maybe that’s what happens when the boy-next-door marries the girl-next-door. The families have known each other for a long time now, and there’s a special bond between old friends.

In any case, I’m very very happy for them, and I hope to find something like that for my marriage as well, someday.

You see, the people around me always live such busy and active lives that they rarely have time to sit down, do nothing, and just listen for several hours at a time. Every day – every year – I find myself becoming less and less willing to share with other people about my life, simply because they don’t have the patience to listen for several hours while I try to find the words that express my doubts, my fears, my thoughts and feelings. Extroverts have it easy. They can say whatever comes to their mind immediately, and connect quickly and simply. Introverts have a harder time of it – especially Idealist introverts. It takes time for me to open up. And not just time, but demonstrated care and concern as well. I can only truly open up to someone if I know that they care enough to spend time waiting for me to voice out to them, and put away all other distractions and concerns to focus solely on listening to me. And that can take hours.

It’s something I’ve only very rarely experienced with my parents – maybe once or twice in the last 8 years. I remember it happening more often when I was younger. My Dad and I would talk in the car while travelling back from my college, or when picking someone up. My Mom and I would talk over the dining table after dinner, or during teatime. And the time I failed at university – that was when they were willing to sit with me to listen to me, and let me take my time to verbalise all that I felt, all that I thought. Those were the memories I treasured most about my parents… though it took a string of “F”-grades to bring them about sometimes.

Maybe that’s why I became such a good listener. Because at heart, I knew that everyone wanted someone to listen to them. Someone to show care and concern, someone who was willing to sacrifice hours of time they could have used to spend Doing Things, and just listen instead. My primary criterion for a soul-sister – the first indicator that lets me tell whether I’ve found a kindred spirit or not – is this ability to Just Listen. That’s why I love spending time with my soul sisters, and we often have multi-hour-long conversations every time we meet. Because we both Just Listen to each other – for as long as it takes. And sometimes, it takes a long time to get down to the root of our fears – to peel away the layers that we are used to showing in casual, shallow conversations and go deep to the bottom of our hearts. To have heart-to-heart, soul-to-soul talks.

People go around with layers on their hearts. There’s a shallow layer you show to acquaintances at work or on the street or at church – the standard “I’m doing fine” reply to the perfunctory “How are you?” question that everyone asks in order to be polite. Sometimes, with people whom you meet regularly and have deeper connections with, like cell members or close colleagues, you can drop hints about your current situation – “I’m angry about this”, or “Today I got a bonus!” And those can be taken at face value… maybe it’ll lead to a stream of small talk and decent mid-level sharing. And you go away, with your feelings slightly eased, vaguely okay. And most people seem comfortable with that. If you practise it daily, then I guess you could get by with regular doses of middle-level conversations every day, and never miss what you don’t know exists… that soul-deep, bottom-of-your-heart kind of conversation you can only get when someone Listens to you for several hours.

But if you’re an introvert surrounded by busy people, nobody Listens to you. And so the urge to speak builds and builds, but there’s no friendly outlet. So you’re constantly vaguely dissatisfied… lonely and trying to share with the people around, but no one really bothers to Listen.

My parents and most of my friends wonder sometimes how I can get so jazzed up after one good conversation. They don’t believe or don’t understand how just one conversation with my soul sisters – with someone who Listens – can keep me on a euphoric high for several days on end. They sometimes think I’m overexaggerating. I’m not sure if they understand the concept of soul nourishment – a deep conversation with someone who Listens is like a drink of water in a desert, or fresh bread to a man starving for months. Maybe it’s because they haven’t had these kinds of conversations before. Maybe they don’t need them like I do. Maybe their personalities are different, or they imagine that the mid-level conversations they have with their friends is the closest things will ever get. Maybe they’re just too busy, wanting to Do Things, and can’t see the value of “wasting time” doing nothing but sitting and talking. I don’t know.

All I know is, nobody Listens to me.

Every week, as a cell leader, as a friend, as a son, I get called upon to Listen to somebody. I spend hours on the phone and over meals, listening to people. I keep taking in more and more things from other people’s lives – their hurts, their insecurities, their problems, their hopes and dreams. I Listen, and make them feel good to unburden themselves. I Listen, and they feel cared for, comforted to know that someone understands what they’re going through – someone’s willing to pay attention to them and soothe the hurts in their soul. My family, my friends, my cell members… even my co-workers – they all need someone to Listen, and I do that for them.

But who does it for me?

That’s why I have this blog, really. I write in it all the thoughts and feelings I have… all the things I want to say but never can say because nobody listens. They have to come out somehow. So I write on a website that nobody reads… kinda pathetic, but there’s always the off-chance that someone who values me might read it. Even if they don’t, at least I’ve voiced it out. The pressure’s slightly eased. But it’ll never go away until somebody listens.

And frankly, I don’t see that happening anytime soon. No one in my family has been willing to spend hours to Listen to me for the last few years, all too busy with their own lives. Of my three soul sisters, one has a constant irregular schedule as a flight attendant, and the other two are studying overseas at separate colleges, and I don’t even attend the same church as them anymore. And of my two oldest friends, whom although they aren’t soul sisters have learned how to get me to share openly after 10 years of friendship… one is halfway around the world, and the other is preparing for marriage. And my oldest friend here in Singapore is already married. And the only other person here whom I think has the potential to grow into another kindred soul is so busy with so many problems that I think I need to spend more time Listening to her than talking to her.

So. Nobody Listens to me, and it looks like nobody will ever really listen to me. I wonder if that’s the reason why I fall so easily into addictive or self-destructive habits sometimes?

Packed to the brim.

HELP!!

Somehow, these last few weeks have started to seem really crammed to me. For one, this week was the start of tutorials, so now I have to actually spend more time preparing for each class and marking afterwards. Then there’s the graduate studies, where I have to compile a reading list of research material and actually get around to reading it. Which takes up another big chunk of time – not to mention that I’m considering changing my topic, which could potentially double my workload as I read a little of both and decide whether it’s worthwhile to change or stay. Then there’s ministry, which is starting to ramp up as the Young Adults Zone is getting its’ act together under a new pastor and I’m being tapped for more involvement in church activities, plus ministry training and preparation. Then there’s the NUS Games Development Group, which I’m also trying to help and train. Then there are a bunch of friends that I’m trying to spend time and hang out with.

All of these add up to a huge amount of time.

Surprisingly, even though it’s exhausting and I occasionally find myself just blanking out at my desk… I like the sensation of being able to live life fully. And I still find little pockets of time to rest. But I’m well aware that I can’t maintain this pace indefinitely. Sooner or later, something’s going to crack. And when it does – when I fall down exhausted from running the Red Queen’s race, I’ll be left behind and struggling to catch up, in even more of a rush than before. I think it’s only by the grace of God that I’ll be able to stand this pace. What’s more if I start to follow the inklings of my heart and pursue romance once more.

Which is why, before that happens, I must must MUST discipline myself to spend time in prayer. Martin Luther once said (and this is one of my favourite quotes):

Work, work, from morning until late at night.  In fact, I have so much to do that I shall have to spend the first three hours in prayer.

I don’t know if I have the stamina to spend three hours in prayer like he did, but I’m coming to understand that prayer IS a very vital component to sustainable spiritual life. And so, it is important to pray. Now it’s just a matter of actually doing it.

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I think for me, this marks the beginning of a new stage in life… a new season. A third of my life – a quarter-century – has come and gone. If I were to look back, I would think that the first third was characterised by a quest for manhood. The main goal and search of my life was to find out and then become an ideal of manhood. What does it mean to be a man, and how can I live up to that standard? That was the question that always surfaced in my mind whenever I examined myself or thought seriously about my life.

And now in the last year or two, I think my views have solidified, and I have found an answer. It may not be a complete answer, and may not encompass the whole definition of manhood, but for me, it is enough. It satisfies my understanding of what seems to be the key essence of manliness – the cornerstone of manhood upon which all other qualities are built. And this can be summed up in one word: responsibility. Responsibility – as a husband, as a father, as a teacher, as a leader, as a citizen, as an employee, as a friend. When Duty calls, Man must answer.

A man can be measured by the depth and breadth of the responsibilities that he has been entrusted with, and how well he bears up under the burdens of them. Responsibility for the care and safety of his family. Responsibility to not leave or run away… for staying and being there when others need him. Responsibility for the decisions he makes, and the consequences thereof – from choosing Who he will follow to what he decides to do in the day-to-day moments of his life. The first words that God spoke to Man included in them a burden of responsibility and a duty to fulfill: God charged man to “fill the earth and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” (Gen.  1:28, NASB)

So that is my answer to the quest for manhood that took up the first third of my life. I will probably still continue to grow and discover more about what it means to be a man as I gain new experiences in life, no doubt. But these will now no longer be my focus. I think the season is changing for me.

The next season in life, I feel, is going to be about the pursuit of wisdom. I have learned, and have acquired responsibilities – as a teacher, as a friend, as a leader, as a son. But the wisdom to manage those responsibilities well – to advise people who are facing difficult situations, to handle unexpected surprises in life, to know what to do and what to say in troubling circumstances… when Solomon inherited the awesome responsibility of being king over God’s chosen people, he prayed for wisdom to be able to fulfill his task in life. And so, too, I pray and wish for the same.

What does it mean to be wise? And how can I increase in wisdom? Those will be the questions that will guide me in the next 25 years of my life, as I deepen and broaden my experiences in life – as a working adult, a Christian leader, a filial son, a husband, a father, a friend, and a teacher of others. When I turn 50, I hope I will be known for my wisdom and insight into human nature and Divine reality. But there will be a long road ahead.

Huiting got married today! My closest friend in Singapore has now become Mrs. Christopher Soon, and will soon be moving to a new church and a new home with her husband. She’s the first of my really close friends to get married (though there’s another one coming in December!). Even though I’m happy for her and happy that’s she’s happy, I can’t help but have mixed feelings about this wedding.

For five years now, Huiting and I have moved very closely in the same circles. She was the one who brought me to my church in Singapore, and there introduced me to two subsequent cell groups… one of which I was co-leading with her (and now lead alone). We lived in the same hostel during undergrad days, then lived in the same neighbourhood down the street from each other after moving out. At one time, we were seeing each other four times a week – same Science Faculty cell group, same PGP hostel cell group, same church cell group, and then attending church service on Sunday together! My closest friend in Singapore, despite the huge differences in personality and philosophy of life (Doer vs. Dreamer, Rational vs. Romantic, Practical vs. Philosophical). The Girl Next Door, whom I grew up with (even though it was only five years, and both of us were well-grown by then).

And now, she’s getting married, and moving on to the next stage of her life, far away. I’m going to miss her, especially our quiet talks at night as we walked home from cell group. I hope she would be happy – can’t help but worry about her sometimes. I wish I knew her husband better, but I’ve only met him about half a dozen times, and even then, we never talked much in depth. Their relationship dynamics seem totally different from what I imagine my own relationship with my future wife will be like… but somehow, it just might work for those two people. I can’t fully understand it, but I’ve seen other couples like this who have managed to grow old together and raise a family. With God’s grace, any union can be blessed and bear fruit. And I pray it will be so for them as well.

EDIT: <Photos of the Wedding>.<Photos of the dinner>

Of course, knowing what it means to be a good husband doesn’t mean being able to live up to it. One of the main reasons I hold back from romantic pursuits at the moment is that I can see very clearly that I don’t measure up to the standards of a good husband. In other words, I don’t think of myself as worthy to be able to care for, provide for, love and support a woman in the way I think she should be. It’s perhaps a bit odd that I think this way, or care so much about it. I wonder if any other guys who enter into relationships think about this? Or do they just blindly plunge into it, and either trust that everything will somehow work out fine? Or do they just not think about it at all, or have lower expectations?

I find that I have a negative tendency to think of many members of my sex as irresponsible people who have double standards when it comes to marriage – they want a perfect wife to accept their imperfect selves, without bothering to work to better themselves for their wife’s sake. Any “improvements” are for show only, during the courtship stage, to impress her or her family enough until after the wedding ceremony, where he can finally drop the act and get back to his usual habits. While I reasonably deduce that this cannot be true (or else we would have a lot of marriages breaking up… wait, isn’t that happening already?), it nevertheless remains a strong stereotype in my mind. And I’m almost pathologically determined not to be that sort of man.

Which, of course, leaves me in a bit of a quandary – I either become the perfect husband, or never get married.

(… I wonder if there’s a girl out there who’s struggling as much with the question of being the perfect wife as I am with being the perfect husband? I’d like to meet her. It would be fascinating to hear the opposite point of view.)

In any case, what brought this on was my continued work on the Wedding Vows project. I’m currently in the process of trying to re-write one portion of the narrative, and I realised that I’ve covered pratically every theme I wanted to talk about in the work already. So trying to insert a new segment into the narrative, I have no relevant thing I want to say with it, mostly because I lack knowledge about the woman’s point of view.

However, looking at what I’ve written before, I still feel very pleased and proud of this work. Especially of the segment I wrote to replace an earlier part which I took out. The segment was entitled “Generations”, and it depicted the deathbed scene of the wife’s father. In the scene, the dying father entrusts the care of his wife and his daughter to his son-in-law. When I first wrote that scene, nearly a year ago, I knew it was a powerful one. I wasn’t exactly clear why it was so, yet I knew I should put it in, and that it was infinitely superior to the scene it replaced. Today, as I was musing, I finally got an insight into why.

I think every young woman, who has been raised by a good father, would naturally want their father to approve of their choice of life partner. The reason why is obvious – from their childhood, their definition of what it means to be a husband and a man is shaped by their father. The father sets the standard for the husband to follow. To know that their father approves means that he accepts the husband as an acceptable example of the standard of manhood that he has set for his family. But I went even one step further. In this scene, the father entrusts the care of his family to the son-in-law. The father views the son-in-law not only as an example of manhood, but the heir to his responsibilities to care for the household. He is not just accepted, he is trusted to continue the legacy of manhood in the family. He is worthy to step into the position the father has held for so long as the head of the household.

I’m very very happy that I wrote that. It expresses what I have to say about responsibility, which is the first and foremost characteristic that must define a good man, in my book. And I think that women would approve of it too… at least, the one girl who I’ve shown it to so far (my artist) says that she likes it a lot. Now the trouble I have is trying to write the female corollary to that theme – what is the duty and responsibility of a wife? And how can I express it in a idealised romance? (Or have I already done so?)

So, since this is Labour Day, I decided to plan all my doings for May, separated into different categories:

Work

1. Attend postmortem meeting for Game Design module. (1/2 day)
2. Tidy up files and come up with a coherent filing system to handle multiple semesters of accumulated teaching work. (1/2 day)
3. Help out with Arts and Social Sciences Open House on 16th May. (1 day)
4. Locate and purchase finger toy for CNM Games Library. (1/2 day)

Total = 2.5 days

Research / Studies

1. Check whether my application for Master’s has gone through. (1/2 day)
2. Read at least 2 journal papers / articles a week about my proposed research topic to find out about the competition. (4-5 days total)
3. Help vet Siti’s thesis if she needs it, and learn how to structure a thesis. (1-2 days)

Total = 7.5 days.

Ministry

1. Finish Study of John leader’s training course. (30 hours total)
2. Plan and implement Study of John in cell group. (20 hours total)
3. Call at least two cell members a week to spend time with them. (8-10 hours total)
4. Organise birthday party for two cell members in May (6 hours)
5. Organise board games party cum outreach event for NUS students. (6 hours)
6. Collect reimbursement for paying for VCF website hosting. (1 hour)
7. Sign up for church camp in June. (1 hour)
8. Read book on Spiritual Gifts in preparation for next season. (10 hours)

Total = 84 hours = 7 days (assuming 12 hours a day)

Relationships

1. Attend PGP CF reunion on 2nd May (6 hours)
2. Send birthday card to Val. (3 hours)
3. Send email to Wai Pick. (3 hours)
4. Pick out presents for Mother’s Day. (1 day)
5. Wish the rest of the May babies a happy birthday. (1 hour total)

Total = 2 days.

Hobbies / Projects

1. Add Portfolio, past projects and Fanfiction.net link to this website. (6 hours)
2. Blog regularly at least 3 times a week. (24 hours total, at least)
3. Find artist and finish Wedding Vows project. (5 days)
4. Finish writing Planetstorm fanfiction. (1-2 days)
5. Decide and reply to monele whether to continue with Royal Explorer project or not. (1/2 day)

Total = 10 days

Leisure

1. Finish David Drake’s book “In the Stormy Red Sky” (5 hours total)
2. Finish “The Case for the Real Jesus” by Lee Strobel. (5 hours total)
3. Finish at least one round of Sid Meier’s Pirates! game. (10 hours)
4. Catch up to latest Family Outing episode. (2 days)
5. Finish playing Fallout game. (20 hours)
6. Finish playing Baldur’s Gate game. (20 hours)
7. Watch Cross Game, Hanasekeru Seishounen, Eden of the East and Ristoranto Paradiso anime. (8 – 10 hours total)
8. Stay current with various manga series. (12 hours total)
9. Read Naval Chronicles of Alan Lewrie series of books. (40 hours total)

Total = 12 days

Summary Breakdown

• Work = 2.5 days
• Research = 7.5 days
• Ministry = 7 days
• Relationships = 2 days
• Projects = 10 days
• Leisure = 12 days
• TOTAL = 41 days (12 hours per day, excluding sleep, meals and daily necessities)
• TOTAL without any leisure time = 29 days.

Hmmm… that’s enough. I think I can do most of these in May, though I’ll probably not be able to complete everything on my leisure list. Actually, chances are I’ll get distracted by something not on this list and waste time here and there. But here’s hoping I should be able to complete at least 90% of the stuff here, which would then clear the boards in time for an equally-heavy list in June.

… Am I doing too much again?