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Once again, I’m stuck without an artist. For the fourth time. In three years.

*sigh* I get so discouraged with this project sometimes. It’s so difficult to find people willing to invest their time and effort into something like this for free. Especially since I have a grand vision for a unified aesthetic experience, which I absolutey cannot carry out without an artist. Right now, I’m once again devolving as much as possible into using manipulated photographs to substitute… but it’s just not the same.

Also considering hiring an artist from DeviantArt to do the absolutely critical artwork. But that will take time and money. And I’m paring down the art requirements to the bone already. There are gaps in the artwork, where you can clearly see where drawings could go to enhance the effect. But I don’t know who else to ask to do it – or whether my budget could afford it.

Now the other major question is… should I get voice acting done for Wedding Vows? I’m pretty sure I can get someone to volunteer for the jobs from the Voice Acting Alliance, but will they be any good? And will my story benefit from voice acting, or not? Plus, it’s again more work… and I don’t know if I have the patience to manage this project any further. Even though voices may add substantially to the overall aesthetic experience, do I really have the time and energy for this hassle, when I’ve also got other things to worry about?

Be warned that it uses a lot of references to works that the casual / average reader won’t be aware of… but the theory of the article should be understandable even without the examples. It’s basically a theoretical piece reflecting on how to make deeper, more complex stories in the medium of Visual Novels.

Of course, knowing what it means to be a good husband doesn’t mean being able to live up to it. One of the main reasons I hold back from romantic pursuits at the moment is that I can see very clearly that I don’t measure up to the standards of a good husband. In other words, I don’t think of myself as worthy to be able to care for, provide for, love and support a woman in the way I think she should be. It’s perhaps a bit odd that I think this way, or care so much about it. I wonder if any other guys who enter into relationships think about this? Or do they just blindly plunge into it, and either trust that everything will somehow work out fine? Or do they just not think about it at all, or have lower expectations?

I find that I have a negative tendency to think of many members of my sex as irresponsible people who have double standards when it comes to marriage – they want a perfect wife to accept their imperfect selves, without bothering to work to better themselves for their wife’s sake. Any “improvements” are for show only, during the courtship stage, to impress her or her family enough until after the wedding ceremony, where he can finally drop the act and get back to his usual habits. While I reasonably deduce that this cannot be true (or else we would have a lot of marriages breaking up… wait, isn’t that happening already?), it nevertheless remains a strong stereotype in my mind. And I’m almost pathologically determined not to be that sort of man.

Which, of course, leaves me in a bit of a quandary – I either become the perfect husband, or never get married.

(… I wonder if there’s a girl out there who’s struggling as much with the question of being the perfect wife as I am with being the perfect husband? I’d like to meet her. It would be fascinating to hear the opposite point of view.)

In any case, what brought this on was my continued work on the Wedding Vows project. I’m currently in the process of trying to re-write one portion of the narrative, and I realised that I’ve covered pratically every theme I wanted to talk about in the work already. So trying to insert a new segment into the narrative, I have no relevant thing I want to say with it, mostly because I lack knowledge about the woman’s point of view.

However, looking at what I’ve written before, I still feel very pleased and proud of this work. Especially of the segment I wrote to replace an earlier part which I took out. The segment was entitled “Generations”, and it depicted the deathbed scene of the wife’s father. In the scene, the dying father entrusts the care of his wife and his daughter to his son-in-law. When I first wrote that scene, nearly a year ago, I knew it was a powerful one. I wasn’t exactly clear why it was so, yet I knew I should put it in, and that it was infinitely superior to the scene it replaced. Today, as I was musing, I finally got an insight into why.

I think every young woman, who has been raised by a good father, would naturally want their father to approve of their choice of life partner. The reason why is obvious – from their childhood, their definition of what it means to be a husband and a man is shaped by their father. The father sets the standard for the husband to follow. To know that their father approves means that he accepts the husband as an acceptable example of the standard of manhood that he has set for his family. But I went even one step further. In this scene, the father entrusts the care of his family to the son-in-law. The father views the son-in-law not only as an example of manhood, but the heir to his responsibilities to care for the household. He is not just accepted, he is trusted to continue the legacy of manhood in the family. He is worthy to step into the position the father has held for so long as the head of the household.

I’m very very happy that I wrote that. It expresses what I have to say about responsibility, which is the first and foremost characteristic that must define a good man, in my book. And I think that women would approve of it too… at least, the one girl who I’ve shown it to so far (my artist) says that she likes it a lot. Now the trouble I have is trying to write the female corollary to that theme – what is the duty and responsibility of a wife? And how can I express it in a idealised romance? (Or have I already done so?)

According to McCloud, most forms of media (books, film, comics, photographs, paintings, music) can be used in a wide variety of ways, from entertainment to education. What elevates a particular instance of a medium from “common” to “Literature” or “Art” (as the snobs would call it), can be shown like this. We call things Literature when the message and themes that the medium conveys is meaningful or addresses an issue that is, for all intents and purposes, speaks to our souls and is “serious”. In other words, if a book talks about coffeeshop gossip, it’s probably not Literature, but if it portrays the human condition under conditions of war, depravity, stress, etc. , it can be called Literature. Literature is concerned with the content and meaning of the message being delivered by the medium. Art, on the other hand, explores the medium itself, and the techniques and ways in which a message can be brought forth through that medium. In other words, a medium becomes an Art form when it finds new ways to express something that is cannot be expressed by other media and leverages its’ inherent unique properties. Artistry is concerned with the properties and techniques inherent to that medium, and how to use them effectively.

I found those two definitions remarkably useful in clarifying my thought processes, and helping me think in new ways about all the mediums I create in – short stories, visual novels, games. I’ve always been interested in pushing the boundaries of innovation in those media – I don’t want to stick to the simple and boring entertainment. I want to try something different, something unique. And now I know where to concentrate my efforts. The boundaries become defined. Art and Literature – changing how a message is conveyed through a medium, and changing the message that the medium is trying to convey. That’s my goal.

Finally! The Wedding Vows project is on again! Today I met Wei Man, a former coursemate and junior in the NUS Games Developing Group, who has agreed to be the artist for the project. And she liked the story, and was willing to illustrate it. We discussed art styles that would suit the mood and feel of Wedding Vows. And what was great was that she agreed with me about what sort of style would fit Wedding Vows best… it is always nice to have your opinion confirmed. Plus, she also pointed out weaknesses in the story that I had half-sensed, but not managed to articulate. Two heads are definitely better than one on something like this… especially if they belong to different genders and have different tastes in media.

In one week, I will have portraits in multiple styles to choose from. In two weeks, we should have most of the portraits done. By that time, I also hope to finish the rest of the background pictures and re-writing the weak parts of the script. By the end of this summer break, I want Wedding Vows to be completed!

(Plus, once I told my cell group about it, and how it has been dangling unfinished for two years now, they threatened to fine me $1000 if it wasnt finished by August. Ah, the motivation and encouragement I get from the people close to me. )